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My preciously hideous lil’ babies.

Originally named Raph, Donny, and Mikey, I later found out they’re all females.  Maybe I’ll change their names to…Blossom, Bubbles, and Buttercup.

EDIT:  I no longer own these creatures.  More info at the end of this page!

Stamper

The previous homeowner left these guys behind, and didn’t give me much to work with – I essentially adopted them!  After this video was shot, I grabbed a significantly bigger aquarium.  Thanks a lot to RicePirate for helping me out with THAT burden.  Even empty, aquariums (especially the larger ones) are INSANELY fucking heavy and absolute burdens to move.  No joke, large aquariums top my “heaviest pieces of shit I’ve ever had to lift” list (the first being pretty much any arcade cabinet).  I THINK the tank is something to the tune of 200 gallons – needless to say, the ladies were waaay happier in their new palace for a good long while.

You know…that being said, I’ve received a fair amount of interest from curious people in regards to my turtles (having them as pets, etc.).  So fuck it, I’ll be a little more comprehensive; you may find it interesting!  (Bear in mind, I’m no pro, nor am I a psychotic turtle enthusiast.)

For those who thirst for knowledge…

(Or if you’re considering grabbing a turtle-pal!)

Red-eared sliders (probably most aquatic turtles) need 10 gallons of water per-inch of their shell, measured lengthwise (nose to butt).  Meaning, if your turtle’s shell is 6 inches, you’ll need a 60 gallon tank.  They’re avid swimmers and need their space!  I had 3 – probably around 6, 5, and 4.5 inches each?
Females can grow to an average size of 10-12 inches (some sources say 13-15 inches) in shell length – almost as long as my wiener!
Males are generally smaller, brighter colored, have longer tails, longer claws, and pointier noses; basically, they’re all mega handsome.  All the females are fat and ugly and smell bad (just like human females).  Either way, it’s easy to differentiate – slider females pretty much all look the same, same with all the males.  I’ve never seen a male in person, they seem difficult to come by.
Red-eared sliders are omnivores and lil’ garbage disposals – I fed them all sorts of stuff on a regular basis, including (but not limited to): turtle food, shrimp, meal worms, berries of all kinds, carrots, bananas, cabbage…fuckin’…melon, sweet potatoes, apples…even live fish and straight up meat.  They aren’t picky – if you run out of turtle food, there’s more than likely something in your fridge that’d tide them over until you can make it to the store.
They’re absolutely disgusting creatures.  Well…they CAN be.  Your aquarium can quickly turn into a hot fucking mess if you don’t stay on top of it; the water stagnates with a tank full of turtle shit and organic food breaking down, so you’re constantly changing the water and cleaning filters.  Lemme tell ya’, a dirty turtle tank will stink your entire house up like a dumpster full of corpses…although, in fairness, I DID have 3 turtles in the same tank.  Obviously, more turtles = more mess, more regularly.
On the ‘disgusting’ note, they also carry salmonella.  One of these little sluts splashed me in the eyeball when I was feeding them, and the following week was absolute hell.  My entire eyeball went brick red, I had a 4 day headache, and EVERY FUCKING TIME I BLINKED it felt like someone was twisting a knife in my eye.  Careful when handling the turtles or the aquarium water – no joke, that shit can get you mega fucking sick.
With simple care, your slider can easily live longer than 20 years.  In the wild, these little fools live ~30 years, on average.  I continue to hear numbers more in the range of 50-70 years!  In other words, you’d have a pal for life.  It’s easy to see why…they’re insanely resilient creatures and easily adapt to most conditions.

This is a female red-eared slider.

Definitions I never fucking knew…

(Nor do I use them on this page – merely found it interesting!)

carapace
a turtle’s top shell

keel
the raised ridge along the middle (front to back) of the carapace of some turtles

plastron
a turtle’s bottom shell (chest/belly plate)

scute(s)
the large, separate plates on the carapace and plastron of most turtles
(I wonder if turtles ever compliment eachother?  Like…”YO BRO, SICK SCUTES, BRO!”)

Still with me?  Whoa…

Some of the shit up there sounds pretty negative, but it’s really not bad!  They’re awesome little animals, it’s a fun hobby, and it’s really relaxing and cool to watch them swim around underwater.  Quick tip though, if you’re interested in red-eared sliders, I’d stick to one (MAYBE two, tops).  3+ sliders is more akin to raising children; your upkeep costs, workload, and overall responsibility are cranked exponentially with every new turtle in the equation.  Cost is a big one – aquariums are FUCKING EXPENSIVE (Craigslist is your friend here), and take up a ton of physical space.  Remember, you’ll not only need a HUGE tank for multiple turtles, you’ll need more/bigger filters, more food, and more spare time in general.  In most cases, it’s just not worth the hassle.  You can do whatever da’ fffuck you wanna do, though!

Plus, there’s no research indicating they get lonely; a single turtle is perfectly content.  Multiple sliders tend to live in harmony (if they’re the same size), but I can’t say mine necessarily ‘enjoyed’ living together.  One slider should be a cakewalk, though – they’re pretty low maintenance by themselves.

I see sliders at pet shops all the time, they’re easy to get ahold of.  Beyond that, you don’t gotta be a pro – all you’ll need is a tank with a little platform, a little lamp with a reptile bulb if adequate sunlight isn’t available (just point that shit down on the platform), and some turtle food.  An aquarium filter helps a lot, too – just make sure it can handle the water capacity of your tank (filters are easy to set up).  That’s pretty much it, you’re ready to rock with your new pal.  The platform/bulb combo is fairly important; while they’re considered to be aquatic, they like to bask in the sunshine from time-to-time.

…or, you could skip the tedious aquarium-process and grab a terrestrial turtle.  There’s all sorts o’ turtles out there, and they’re all pretty awesome.

The babygirls live here now!

Lotsa space to swim around, lotsa bugs to eat, and lotsa places to bathe their sexy turtle bodies in the sunshine.
Monoshone Creek, connected to Wissahickon Creek – Northwest Philadelphia
(Essentially, their original home.)

Yep, before I moved to the West coast from Philly, I set these guys free on a sunny day and left em’ a bunch of food.  Thanks for the help, Nikki (@nikkinacks)!

Moving them to the West coast wasn’t necessarily an impossibility, but it would have certainly been a daunting task.  On that note, did you know you could ship turtles?  Literally just…wrap them up in a pillowcase or tuck em’ in a little container with holes, box em’ up real nice, and overnight them to your destination?  I didn’t.  There’s a few YouTube videos that lay this process out (here’s one).  Pretty cool!  That being said, you can buy turtles (and various other reptiles, etc.) online and they’ll ship em’ to your house, alive and well.  Learn new shit all the time!

…dear LORD I’m boring myself now, FUCK.
Hope that satisfied your curiosities, sayonara u babes!

TURTLE-BYE